


Just to feel alive

by EonaSPN



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Hiding, Kanda isn't good with emotions, M/M, Mpreg, Nightmares, Order politics, Original Character(s), Supportive Linali, Unplanned Pregnancy, breakdowns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:47:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21885472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EonaSPN/pseuds/EonaSPN
Summary: All I wanted to do was to get the moyashi out of his damned panic. It was nothing more than for him to feel alive. And now? See where it brought us. Now we have to deal with the stupid consequences for the next nine months. Even beyond that. And all because I wanted to help him once.
Relationships: Kanda Yuu/Allen Walker
Kudos: 12





	1. Rescue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone,
> 
> I am currently in the process of transferring my stories from fanfiction.net to AO3. Originally I didn't plan to bring my DGM ones over so soon, but since we are going on christmas and with that Allen's birthday, I decided to get started on my Yullen fanfics right now.  
> This story was originally written in 2016, so it's a few years old by now.
> 
> WARNINGS for Mpreg (as the tags say), the 19th century church being homophobic and DGM-typical violence (including Noahs).
> 
> It's rated 'E' for one explicit scene in chapter 3 and moments in chapters 13 and 21.
> 
> The whole story is written from Kanda's POV, except some parts where he's not present, then it's Third Person POV.
> 
> This story is set before the thing with Alma happened, so Allen doesn't know about Kanda's past yet. But there is more time between them first entering the Ark and that part of the manga. I added more than a year in which they have just been going on missions and such. So it's been good two years since Allen joined the Order. That means Allen is 17 and Kanda 20 in this story.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own DGM.

Kanda’s POV

I’m running. As fast as I can. Twigs are swishing past me, leaving small cuts in my already torn exorcist coat. But right now I don’t have time to care about that.

I have to save a fellow exorcist. Dear lord, I sound like some fucking hero! That’s not what I meant. It’s just that got a call over my golem earlier that the moyashi or ‘exorcist Allen Walker’ as the call said, has encountered a Noah and needs reinforcement now. Since I’m the only other exorcist here I have to go. 

And even though I would never admit it, I am concerned for that brat. Over the two years he’s been in the Order, I learned to somehow care about him. Even though we bicker all the time, we know we can trust the other if needed (I still hate to be on mission with him though). Also one year back he started with that strange antic to come to me when he needs to talk or has problems (not that I answer but he apparently enjoys it). What is it with people searching comfort from me? First Linali and now the moyashi? I thought I was an antisocial jerk, as the beansprout never misses to remind me. The younger’s talks have earned me quite a number of awkward situations and sometimes I really didn’t need to know what I had to listen to.

But now he’s in danger and I have to pick him up. Again.

I burst through the last bushes and storm out on the meadow where my golem located Timcampy. Allen’s laying on the ground, his eyes closed. There are wounds visible on him, but nothing too serious. Next to him is a small girl with spiky blue hair and dark skin, grinning manically. Rhode Camelot. From what I’ve heard her ability is to play with one’s mind. Judging from Allen’s pained expression he’s having some terrible dream.

“Oh great! Another exorcist to play with!” Rhode squeals, clapping her hands. Psycho bitch!

“Get the fuck away from him!” I growl at her.

“Oh, does my sweet Allen mean something to you!” she squeals.

“The fuck he does! Now move! Every Noah dies!” I growl and charge at her.

She jumps away. “Wow! You’ve got a really bad temper, do you know that?”

“Shut the fuck up!” I yell.

Unfortunately she is pretty effectively dodging my blade. Until it manages to cut straight through her. She looks stunned but then frowns. Shocked though I have to notice that nothing happened to her. Mugen cut right through her chest but there is no injury visible. She jumps away from me. One of her doors appears behind her.

“Alright. For today you win. You can take my sweet Allen,” then her smirk turns evil, “But I would say you get him out there fast or maybe it will be never. Or at least he will never be the one you know anymore.”

Then she retreats through her door. I want to follow but suddenly I remember Allen and what she said about him. I hear him scream out so I decide to ignore that bitch for now and focus on the beansprout.

“Oi, moyashi!” I shake him.

He doesn’t react. Instead he groans and starts thrashing.

“Moyashi! Wake up!” I kneel next to him and lift his upper body up, securing his arms. “It’s only a dream that fucking Noah put you into! Fucking focus and fight it off! Fuck moyashi! Prove for once that you are not weak!”

I shout at him. As much as he annoys me losing him is not what I want. He is important. And on top of it I don’t want to imagine the uproar I will get if I let him die. I convince myself that this is the only reason I’m so desperate to rip him out of there, to avoid all the problems his death would cause for me. But if I would be truly honest it’s not.

“Beansprout! Snap out of it!” I scream and slap him across the cheek, resorting to my last mean, “Wake the fuck up! Allen!”

At that he shoots up and his eyes spring open. For a moment they are wide, unfocused and blazing with fear. Then they focus on my face and they calm down. He slightly releases his tense body. A very slight smile makes his way onto his face.

“K-Kanda… You…” he speaks with a weak voice.

Suddenly he falls completely limp and I nearly lose my grip on him. Shocked I lift him back up. I release a sigh when I notice he is breathing evenly and calm. His face is relaxed as well. I would say he simply passed out from exhaustion. Good.

But now I have to carry him back to the inn we’re staying at. Just great! I curse under my breath and move him onto my back with some difficulties. I stand up and his head falls onto my right shoulder. A finder hurries over.

“Are you okay, Master Kanda? What is with Master Walker?”

“I’m fine! He passed out from exhaustion! That fucking Noah was playing her fucking mind games with him!” I growl at him, “I get him to the inn. You report to the Order.”

“Okay, okay,” fidgeting he runs to find a phone.

I grumble and curse as I walk through the city with the moyashi on my back. The innkeeper throws us strange looks while I walk past him. In response he receives a glare from me that makes him shrink away. I stomp up to our room. Unfortunately we only got one to share and not a single for each. I throw the door open and walk over to the moyashi’s bed. I let him unceremoniously fall on it. He is starting to thrash and sweat again so I pull off his thick exorcist coat and his boots and secure him in the bed. He calms when I lay a hand on his forehead, which I notice is slightly warm. So I stand up to wet a cloth in the bathroom. I stomp back to his bed and lay the fabric on his forehead. His thrashing stops and he falls back into an apathetic state.

I hope he wakes up soon. That means we could leave earlier. And I hope he didn’t gain some mental damage form the attack. That would make everything even more difficult. I really don’t need that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it for today. Thanks for reading.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the beginning.
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated. See you next time.


	2. Help me, Kanda

The moyashi finally wakes up around eight o’clock in the evening. The finder already left this afternoon and went back to HQ ahead of us. So we are the only ones left. The inn is nearly vacant at the moment too.

I have been slightly dozing off but am suddenly ripped out of it. The beansprout shoots up with a loud panicked scream. Hurriedly I sit up straight. He takes a moment to realise where he is then he draws his legs to his chest and curls himself up. I see that he is shaking and silent sobs are ripping through him. A pitiful picture. Even I lean slightly forward and lay a hand on his shoulder.

“Oi, moyashi! You okay?” I grumble at him, not really bothering to put on a different tone.

He tries to shakily nod, but even I can see that he is lying. I sigh.

“You’re not, idiot! What did that fucking Noah do?” I growl.

He doesn’t answer, only keeps on shaking, at least the crying nearly ceased. I though get irritated by his behaviour. Not that I care much about him but this sobbing mess is good for nothing.

“Fucking tell me, baka moyashi!” I scoff, pulling up his face, revealing puffy eyes and a frantic expression, “What the fuck is wrong, idiot?”

“N-Nothing…” he croaks out, “S-She only… Me-Memories…” Is all what I can identify from his shaking voice.

“She only showed you memories? Yours?” I noticed over the past year that it can help the beansprout if he can talk (for some reason to me) about what is bothering him, so I keep on prodding. Even though I might be acting quite out of character right now, when it comes to this idiot it’s not the first time.

He nods shakily again trying to move his gaze away from my face but I am holding his head in place.

“What memory, moyashi? Fucking talk, specify what the hell you mean!”

“T-The with T-Tyki…” Tyki? That freak Noah I met in Edo? “I-I… d-died… I…”

I heard of that happening. The moyashi encountered the Noah earlier in China and got a hole through his heart at that. He officially died, his Innocence kept him alive. I for myself had my more than enough times of closer than near-death-experiences with my seal bringing me back. So for me the thought of dying isn’t as frightening anymore. But I still remember the first time it happened and it was terrible. The moyashi is not accustomed to it like me so having to relive this memory over again must have been quite painful.

I sigh. His behaviour didn’t change much. We won’t get anywhere like that. So I resort to the last mean I know (okay, have seen Linali do) and quite dread. But this idiotic kid always manages to get me to do things I don’t want to. So I slowly lean forward, pulling his body close to mine and put my arms around him. He looks up at me quite surprised at the hug. I just ‘che’ and look away. I see him smile shakily. At least a bit of progress. Then he buries his head in my chest and sobs again.

“It’s okay, moyashi. It was just an illusion. You’re not dead. You’re still very much alive,” I murmur in his ear.

It takes ten minutes for his tears to stop and another half an hour until he starts to move in my arms. I loosen my hold and start to sit back. He smiles carefully at me. I still detect the fright from earlier in his face but he is close to normal, luckily.

“Th-Thanks Kanda…” he murmurs, looking down and fisting the sheets.

I grumble a bit and return to the chair I put next to his bed. I sit for a moment, staring at him, and wait for him to say something more. But when he doesn’t I sigh and stand up, heading over to my own bed. But before I can take a step, something catches my right wrist. When I turn, irritated, I see the moyashi is gripping it, his face shadowed by his bangs.

“What?” I scoff, my span of niceties already overstretched for today.

“I… I…” he is stuttering like he doesn’t want to say what he is planning on. His next words are too silent for me to catch so I lean down to him, one knee on the bed, my face directly in front of his.

“What? Speak up, moyashi!” I growl.

“Could-Could you help me prove to me that I am still alive?” he mumbles.

“Prove that you are alive? What the heck do you – hmph!”

I start to scoff at him but am suddenly cut off when he shoots forward, grabbing my collar in the process. I am shocked when I feel his lips on mine. He is kissing me! What the fuck?! He is… The stupid moyashi is fucking kissing me! And not like some little peck. He is moving against my lips and trying to make it even deeper. What’s wrong with him?

Nonetheless I can’t deny that I don’t completely hate it. His lips are soft and feel good. Shit! What am I thinking? Suddenly something warm and wet touches my lip. I make an annoyed sound but the thing, which I have identified as the moyashi’s tongue, uses the chance and slips inside my mouth. What is he doing?! But for some reason I am not able to push him away forceful enough to break his grip. But luckily I can stop myself from reacting to his kiss.

Finally he draws away in need of breath, with an again frantic look in his eyes, nearly desperate. I wipe a hand over my mouth.

“W-What the fuck was that, moyashi?” I growl. Unfortunately Mugen is out of my reach and he is still gripping my collar, so I can’t decapitate him at the moment.

“I… I… S-Sorry… It’s just-just to prove that I-I’m alive…” he stutters averting his gaze.

Now I understand. I sigh. Even though I hoped he would have his proof now his behaviour says it was not enough. I sigh again and curse. I really don’t want to drag this crying mess back to the Order. If a kiss is what gets him out of it. Fine, if it has to be. 

So I grab his chin, ignoring the look of surprise in his eyes. I pull his face up, my lips meeting his for the second time. For a moment he is shocked but then immediately starts to react. I repeat his earlier action by running my tongue along his bottom lip. He opens up without any hesitation and my tongue enters his mouth. His own comes to meet mine and they start to engage in a battle. In the end I win. For that it is both our first experience (at least I assume for him too) it feels really good. I am trying to ignore the fact that it is the moyashi I am kissing and try to concentrate on the feeling.

When we part for air, his arms have found their way on my shoulders and he is panting slightly and blushing.

“You satisfied now, moyashi?” I growl, willing away my own light blush.

A sad look flashes trough his eyes and his gaze turns down again. He seems to be pondering over what to do. I sit back, assuming his response to be yes. But I am a bit shocked when I think to detect a shaking of the head. And again when I try to move away he grips my arm.

“Please!” he whispers, “Prove to me that I am alive!”

“Moyashi!” I sigh exasperated, “I already kissed you! That’s what you wanted, wasn’t it?”

He shakes his head, vigorously. I groan deeply. That boy is annoying as hell.

“Then what the heck do you want me to do?”

His next words I nearly can’t catch as he speaks so silently, but in the end I wish I hadn’t heard them.

“Take me…”

I hope I misheard! He didn’t just say what I think I heard him say. He can’t mean…, can he?

“Begging your pardon?” I ask stunned.

“S-Sleep with me…” he murmurs again, this time clarifying it and confining my fears.

“Moyashi! Do you know what you are fucking saying?! We can’t! We are both men, bloody hell!” I yell at him, a slight red creeping on my cheeks again.

“I don’t care!” his voice is getting louder with each word, until he is nearly screaming, sounding somehow desperate, “I don’t care that we are both men! I need to feel that I am still alive! Please Kanda! I don’t care about the rules against it! Do you?”

I am taken aback by his rant. The rules were made by the church, that two men being together is a sin. But as I lost my belief in the church long ago, I give a shit about these rules as well. At his words a conversation (though slightly one-sided) we had around two months ago, comes back to my mind.

~ flashback ~

I am in the training room, trying to meditate. But nowadays it is quite hard to find time for it as most of the time it is either Linali running away from Rouvelier next to me or the moyashi, blabbering about his problems. And that’s the case right now as well. On the floor by my side is the stupid beansprout, laying on his back. He has just talked for about ten minutes without me uttering more than some sounds. At the moment he is silent which I greatly appreciate. Unfortunately that doesn’t last for long when I hear him speak up again.

“Kanda… Have you ever thought about being gay?”

“Huh?” this rips even me out of my trying-to-meditate-state. I open my eyes and look at him. He is staring at the ceiling, avoiding my gaze. Luckily this room is reserved for exorcists and I and he are the only ones of those at HQ at the moment. If anyone had heard him, he would have been imprisoned. We work for an institution of the church and they think of it as a sin after all!

“Have you really never thought about being with a man instead of a woman?” the moyashi inquires.

“Oi! You know this is considered a sin, don’t you? Baka moyashi!” I scoff at him.

“I know,” he answers with a firm voice, “But I am not asking the official opinion. I am asking yours. And yours alone. I know you don’t give much on the rules of the church. And it’s still Allen!”

I grumble and force myself to actually think about an answer on his question for once.

“Not much, baka! I am not interested in anyone, especially that way. Neither male nor female,” I answer honestly, which earns me a sigh from him.

“I knew you would say something like that, BaKanda.”

“Che! Baka moyashi! Don’t call me that!” I scoff back.

To my surprise he chuckles at that. I ‘che’ another time and go back to my meditation. But not for long until he voices another statement that throws me off balance.

“What would you think of me if I told you… If I was gay?”

“The fuck, moyashi?” I shout back, nearly toppling over.

“Answer the question, Kanda! Please!” His voice is suddenly different.

I grumble and curse, but then sigh.

“Not differently. As you correctly noticed I give a shit about this fucking church’s rules. And I also don’t care about your sexual orientation. You are you, no matter whether you like men or women,” I grumble reluctantly.

His face lights up when he hears my words. “Thank you, Kanda,” he smiles at me brightly and for some reason I am happy to see it’s a real one for once.

“But why the heck did you ask me that?”

His smile turns into a smirk. “Well… I could get interested in you…”

“The fuck?” I yell, now actually blushing.

“Why are you so surprised, Yuu-chan? You are quite the attractive man. And no gay man, not even me, would refuse to sleep with you!” His voice has a teasing tone.

And even though I know he is only joking now he is really going overboard, using that stupid nickname as well!

“What the fuck are you saying?! Stop this shit! And never ever fucking call me ‘Yuu-chan’!” I growl, grabbing Mugen.

He jumps up, activating Crown Clown as well and we engage in one of our usual battles.

He never brought up this subject again and I forgot soon after, until now.

~ end of flashback ~

Was that was the moyashi wanted to tell me back then? That he was gay? And that he liked me… or did at least find me attractive? And now he wants to… sleep with me? Unfortunately for some reason I am not as disgusted by that thought as I should be.

I am shell-shocked over what is happening nonetheless. But I still have to decide on what to do now! And I have to do it fast! The easiest and probably most natural thing would be to deny the moyashi’s request and push him away. But… There is this haunted look on the beansprout’s face. I don’t want to see that any longer. Also dragging him in this state back to HQ would be a pain and if the moyashi changes that much I don’t think the Order would ever be the same. Allen’s smile was what lightened up the bad mood hanging there. It’s not my problem but the others would be greatly affected. But still… Maybe if I can reason with him (not my best ability either though).

“Please Kanda!” he cries at me.

“Moyashi! We can’t do it! If someone sees us, we will get killed!” I shout, trying to deter him.

“No one will see, Kanda! The finder left and no one else knows us here! I need to feel alive! Please! Prove it to me!” his voice sounds desperate, his eyes pleading. 

My resolution starts to waver. If sex is what he needs now, why not. If it gets him back to his normal behaviour which will lighten up the whole HQ, then my already defiled body is a small price to pay. But I will give it one last try before I give in to him.

“Then get yourself a woman, moyashi! Or I can go and…”

“No, Kanda! I want you! Now! Please!”


End file.
